Relative Insanity
By Carl Jackson – Empethree.
© 2008 – EJN Media.

*This story is fan fiction only. It is no way endorsed by Fox Network or Matt Groening.

Chapter One – Moving On Up

“What a beautiful day Dad” Lisa shouts down to Homer on the front lawn from the upstairs window, “but why up so early? I thought it was your day off?” Homer, on the front lawn seems to be battling with the lawn mower. “Lisa, your mother has some daft ideas at times, but mowing the lawn at 11am... awwww I could have been sleeping.” Lisa, waves to Homer  “Well Dad, I better be going, got to go and have some fun with Bart. He's getting all cranky.”

A muffled shout can be heard from inside the house from Bart “ C'mon Lis, valuable baseball time is being wasted.” Lisa gives a frown as she turns to go in. “Oh Bart, you said we could go paddling but yet again....” her voice trails off as she leaves the window.

Homer, still struggling with the mowing while getting the power cord wrapped around various parts of his body thinks aloud to himself. “Oh why do they get to have fun while I am stuck out here with this damn mower. Stupid thing doesn't even work anyway.”

Just then the front door opens and in the doorway appears Marge. Homer shouts over to Marge in his annoyed way “Oh Marge, why did we get this damn stupid mower, we could of spent a little more and got the Slashmaster 3000.” Homer kicks the mower as Marge walks over to him on the lawn.“Homie, We didn't buy it, you borrowed it from Ned, like you do with all our garden tools, and pretty much everything else.” Homer frowns. “Stupid Flanders” he mutters under his breath.
Marge gives Homer an annoyed glance. “Homie, I do wish you would stop putting down that nice man. Anyway, Ned did tell you this was an electric mower right?” Homer gives Marge an annoyed look. 

“Of course I realise, I am not stupid Marge. How the hell do you think I managed to mow this far?”  Marge replies in a sarcastic tone. “I don't know WHAT to think Homie, you have been out here since dawn and it's now 11am.”  

Homer gives a exasperated look “Awwww.. 5 hours..... can I come in now, I have been working hard all morning” 

“You call that working hard?” Marge shouts in annoyed tone. “The only reason I ask is that you have only managed that small patch by the driveway. It probably may help in future if you actually plugged the mower in to the mains before you start mowing!” prompting homer to give a loud “D'oh”. 

Marge, putting her hand round Homer, nuzzles up to him. “I really despair with you sometimes Homie, but I still manage to love you anyway. How about you come inside for something to eat, I can cook waffles?” Homer gets a far away look in his eyes and starts drooling. “Mmmmmm, Waffles...”

Just at that moment they notice a van drive down the road and pull up outside the house opposite to theirs. In large lettering on the side of the van is “KWIK-E-MOVE – DOMESTIC AND BUSINESSES REMOVAL” They notice driving the van is their friend from the Kiwk-E-Mart, Apu.

Homer turns to Marge with an excited look in his eye. “Ooooooh look Marge, its one of those remova-ving van things... looks like we have new Neighbors.” Marge, seemingly equally excited, but trying a lot harder to hide the fact replies: “oooooh, I wonder who it will be? I hope you are nice to this lot Homer, after what you did to the last lot, I think the estate agency is about to put us on commission. The last couple was in for 2 weeks...... 2 WEEKS HOMER!

“It wasn't my fault Marge. It was the boy” Homer gives an innocent schoolboy look.

Marge frowns at Homer: “ You cannot always blame Bart. YOU are just as bad. And it was only because you dared him. I really wish you could act your age.”

Homer, looking sheepish starts whining: “But Marge, you know my brain does not like me any more, it   went to go and stay with the nice man who runs the Donut store..... Mmmmmmm Do....nuts......” Homer starts manically drooling. Marge gives an annoyed mumble.

The  van door opens and Apu starts to climb out. Homer shouts over to Apu: “Hay Apu, what's with the moving van, why are you not at the Kwik-e-mart? 

Apu walks over to where Homer and Marge are standing on the lawn. “Hey, hallo Homer my good friend. My brother is taking over the kwik-e-mart. Oooh we are branching out the businesses to removal. We give one free slurpee with every item moved.” Apu proudly points to the brightly coloured banner on the side of the van.

Mare grins while reading the sign. “Um, Apu... if you don't mind me asking, what happens if the person you are moving has a lot of small items?”

Apu looking thoughtful for a second, rapidly starts to look alarmed: “Oh gosh, I really have not thinked this one through.” Apu quickly runs back over to the van's cab, grabs out a scraper from insude the door and frantically starts to scrape the sign off the aide of the van

Behind the van a brand new Mazda sports car pulls up behind. A man gets out and walks over to Apu.  Homer looks over to the car with a disgusted look.  “Oooh look at that man with his flashy sports car. I bet he spent all his money and now has nothing left”

Apu and his partner start to unload the rear of the van with the man standing by. The very first item they pull out is a very large HD Plasma TV. Homer gives another look of disgust.
“Marge, I am guessing this is our new neighbor.” Homer starts to look annoyed. “Look at him with all his expensive stuff, he must be really up himself.” Homer puts on a childish voice “oooooh look at me with my flash sports car and flash tv.... oooooh I am so good...... ooooh I am better than you....” 

Marge gives him an annoyed glance. “HOMER! Stop that you haven't even met the guy yet. He is not flaunting his stuff they are just unloading it from the van, how else are they supposed to do it?” At that point Apu wheels out on a cart a  very expensive tooking stereo system.

Homer turns to Marge. “See Marge, he IS taunting me. Damn him with his stupid electricky flashy jiggery stuff. I can tell you now I could not be friends with a man like that. I may just go over there and give him a piece of my mind. “

Marge starts to look very cross. She scolds him with a singe word “HOMER!” Just then the man glances over and sees Homer and Marge on their Lawn. He nods and says something to Apu and then starts to walk towards the Simpsons.

Homer looking alarmed whispers to Marge “Oh Marge no,  he's coming over, just to rub our noses in it no doubt, stupid......” 

At that points he gets cut off by the man holding out his hand for a handshake. Homer reluctantly shakes his hand. The man starts speaking” Hi there. I am Charles. Charles Stevens. I am going to be your new neighbour”

Home quite rudely replies sarcasticly. “We gathered that!” Marge gives Homer an Icy glance and elbows him in the ribs. Under her breath she gives a long drawn out growl “H...o....m....e...r.r.r.r..“

Marge smiles and greets Charles. “Hello Mr Stevens, I am Marge Simpson and this here is my Husband, Homer. It is really good to meet you. I would think you would love it here on Evergreen Terrace. It is VERY quiet and tranquil here, nothing much really goes on....”

Homer laughs to himself  and whispers to Marge. “Hee hee, he hasn't met the kids yet...” Marge gives him another dig in the ribs with her elbow. “Ow, Why did you do that for Ma.......”

Homer gets cut off by a loud “Thwack” noise from the Simpson's back yard. A baseball comes hurtling over the roof and flies over the heads of Marge, Homer and Charles and across the road. It smacks straight into Apu's butt, who is unloading a very expensive looking computer monitor. He immediately drops it with a loud crash. Marge, Homer and Charles hear from the back yard a shout of “Bart, I told you not to hit it hard”  from Lisa.

Charles looking stunned shouts “What the......” Homer looking extremely sheepish replies “Er... um... I think that may of come from the house behind us. I hear their kids are extremely unruly. It's lucky we don't live on their street huh.... hee hee”

Charles gives a puzzled look and looks round the side of the Simpson's house. “All I see is trees behind your house, where's the house?”

Homer, looking like he wants to crawl under rock right about now, gives a feeble voiced reply “hum.... oh yes....they...er..... Yes....live in trees. That's why their kids are a bit unruly... no home life you see... anyway I must..er...check.... the ....er..... gas meter... yes the gas meter... speak later”.

Homer quickly runs off and around the side of the house watched by Marge and Charles. All that can be heard is a loud growl of “BART, LISA, MAGGIE....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr” from Homer.

Marge looking a bit ashamed, turns back to Charles and apologises “ I am so sorry Mr Stevens. We will pay for the damage in full. Ahhh the pesky Kids.” Marge starts to cry.

“Charles, looking sympathetic puts his arm round Marge. “ Marge, Marge. Don't worry about it. The removal company will take care of the damage for me” Charles points to another brightly coloured banner on the Side of Apu's van saying “If any breakage. We pay for it, no matter who is at fault”

Apu, standing by his van puts his hands to his face and shakes his head. He then turns to his assistant and says “I Really have not thinked this one through.” His assistant replies in a very heavy indian accent. “Don't vorry mastar. It is only single breakage. Ve not likely to braek anymore” At which point he trips over the curb and drops a very expensive looking vase. Apu then proceeds to bang his head on the side of the van. “Oh, Bishnu, what have I done to deserve this”

Charles at this point is looking extremely pleased. Marge gives him a puzzled look which he responds to: “Oh that.... Oh that was just a vase given to me by my ex-mother in law. Neither me or my ex-wife wanted it after the divorce. I lost the battle for that one... I got the damn thing.” 

Marge starts to laugh and then catches herself. “I am so sorry to laugh at that Charles. It is a shame when a partnership breaks down. Me and Homie have been married a long time now. We have 3 kids. Sometimes I wonder why we are still together, but it comes down to one thing. With all his faults I love Homer a lot. Did you have any Kids Charles?

“Charles kind of looks distant and replies: No need to apologise Marge. The device was extremely Amicable. Me and Sandra, my ex, are still very good friends. Sadly we couldn't have kids due to her illness. She stayed back in England where I come from to look after her mother. We still keep in touch by the wonders of the Internet.

“My Homie is a whiz z at that Internet stuff. He could have been the next Bill Gates.” Marge looks through the open living room window and see's Homer sitting at the computer. He is pointing the mouse at the screen clicking frantically. Marge and Charles hear him give an exasperated shout at the computer: “Stupid remote controlled mouse thing. Damn computer star. Damn you START. Press Any Key... The Any Key? Where's the Any key?”

Marge quickly looks away and back at Charles. “Well anyway.. I feel I have been rude. I should of asked you in for coffee and introduced my family instead of letting you stand out here. It looks like it is about to start raining too.” 

Charles smiles at Marge. “I would be honoured to have coffee. Already looking forward to meeting the family.” Marge gives him a nervous glance. As they walk inside.

-End of chapter 1-