Relative Insanity – Part 1
By Empethree – Carl Jackson.

This story is witting in the style of a script. I am not very good of putting stories together so I thought a script format would be better.

Act 1: Moving On Up

<Scene starts one early morning and Homer is outside the front of the house trying to mow the lawn. Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie are playing in the back yard>

Homer: <getting tangled in the electrical cord> Stupid Mower
Homer: <Looks round and shouts towards house> Marge, why did we get this stupid mower, I said we should have got the Slash-Pro

Marge: <Muffled Voice from inside house>we didn’t buy it; you borrowed it from Ned, like you do with all our garden equipment. 

Homer: Stupid Flanders!

Marge <Walking out holding end of electrical cord in hand> Er, Homie….. you do realize that this is an electric mower?

Homer: Marge I am not stupid, of course I realize that it is an electric mower, how do you think I managed to mow this patch so far?

<Homer points and camera pans to a very small patch of cut grass by the driveway>

Marge: I don’t know what to think Homie, you have been out here since dawn and it’s now 11am, oh and by the way you forgot to plug the cord in!

Homer: D’OH!!!
Homer: <under breath> Stupid Flanders Mower.

Marge: Homie, How about you come in for something to eat, I can cook waffles

Homer: Mmmmmmm Waffles….. 

<At this point a large van comes down the road and stops outside the house opposite, Marked on the side is “Kwik-E-Move – Home Removals.” At the wheel is Apu>

Homer: Ooooh look Marge, its one for those removaving vans, looks like we have new neighbors. 

Marge: Ooooh I wonder who it will be, I hope you are nice to this lot, after what you did to the last lot, I think we are the only people who are on commission for the estate agency. The last couple was in for 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS!

Homer: It wasn’t my fault, it was the boy.

Marge: <Annoyed>Homer, Only because you dared him. I wish sometimes you would act your age.

Homer: <Whining voice> But Marge, you know my brain doesn’t like me anymore and went to stay with the man who runs the donut store.

Marge: <Annoyed Mumble>

Homer: <Shouting over to Apu who is getting out of van.> Hey Apu, What’s with the moving van, why are you not at the Kwik-E-Mart?

Apu: <Walks over towards Homer and Marge on the lawn> Hey, hello Homer my friend, my brother is taking over the counter at the store, we are branching out the business to removals, a free Slurpee with every item moved.

<Apu proudly points at slurpee offer sign on side of van>

Marge: Er, Apu, what if the person you are moving has lots of small items and ornaments?

Apu: Oh damn, I really have not thinked this one through.

<Apu runs back over to the side of van and frantically starts trying to scrape the Slurpee Sign off the side. At the same time a silver Mazda RX-8 car pulls up and parks behind the removals van and a man gets out and walks over to Apu>

Homer: <Looking at car> Ooh look at that man flaunting his nice sports car, heh heh I bet he spent all this money on that car and has nothing left.

<Homer watches as Apu and his assistant start unloading the van. The first item they pull out is a very large HD Plasma TV.>

Homer: I’m guessing this is our new neighbor, look at him flaunting all his flash gear to everyone; he must be really up himself.

Marge: Homer, you haven’t even met the guy yet, and he is not flaunting his stuff they are just unloading it from the van.

<Homer watches as they unload a very large Hi-Fi system>

Homer: See Marge he is taunting me, damn him with all his flash computer jiggery stuff. I can tell him and me will not be good friends. I may just have to go over and give him a piece of my mind!

Marge: <Annoyed Tone> Homer!

<At the moment the man looks over and sees Homer and Marge on their lawn. And starts to walk over to the Simpson’s house>

Homer: Oh no, he’s coming over, just to rub out noses in it, stupid……. <Gets cut off by man speaking while holding out his hand ready for a handshake from Homer>

Man: Hi there, I am Charles, Charles Stevens; I am your new neighbor.

Homer: We gathered that

Marge: <Angrily Under Breath> H..o..m..e..r..r..r..r.
Marge: Hello Mr Stevens, I’m Marge Simpson and this is my husband Homer. Good to meet someone new in our neighborhood, I will trust you will like it here; it is very quiet and tranquil here on Evergreen Terrace

Homer: <Whispers to Marge> He hasn’t met the kids yet, heh heh
<Marge digs Homer in the ribs with her elbow.>

<Just at that moment a ball comes shooting over the roof of the Simpson’s home and across the street. It smacks straight into Apu, who drops a very expensive looking computer, which smashes on the floor a shout of “Bart” can be heard from Lisa in the back yard>

Charles: What the…….

Homer: Er, I think that came from the house behind ours, I hear they are very unruly; luckily they don’t live on our street heh heh…..

Charles: Er….. All I see is trees behind your house…

Homer: Yes… they…. Live in trees, that’s why their kids are a bit unruly, no home life, anyway must check the… er… gas meter …..

<Homer runs off towards back yard>

Homer: <Shouting heard from back yard> BART, LISA, MAGGIE….. Grrrrrrrrrr

Marge: I am so so sorry Mr Stevens, we will pay for the repair in full. 

Charles: Marge Marge, Call me Charles. Not to worry, the removals company there will take care of it for me.

<Charles points to other sign on removals van stating “If any breakages, we will pay for it, no matter who is at fault”>

<Camera cuts to Apu and his assistant across the street>

Apu: I really did not think this one through.

<Apu’s Assistant trips over the ball and drops an expensive looking vase, Apu starts bashing his head on side of van>

<Cuts Back to Marge & Charles on Simpsons Lawn>

Charles: Oh Well that vase was my ex-mother in laws, neither of us wanted it after the divorce, unfortunately I lost that battle.

Marge: <Laughs>
Marge: Sorry to here you are divorced, it’s a shame when a partnership breaks down, me and Homie have been married a long time now, and we have 3 kids. Did you have any?

Charles: Unfortunately no, although me and Sandra are still best of friends, she stayed behind in England to look after her mother. We still keep in touch by the wonders of the Internet though.

Marge: My Homie is a whizz at the internet, he could have been the next Bill Gates <Laughs>

<Camera quickly cuts into house with Homer sitting at Computer desk pointing Wireless mouse at the screen>

Homer: Stupid remote control thing, Start damn you start……

<Camera cuts back outside to Marge & Charles>

Marge: How rude of me not to ask you in for a coffee, would you like to come and meet the flock, maybe we can all get to know each other?

Charles: Sure would be happy to.

<Cut to Simpson’s Dining room, where Marge and Charles walk in and take a seat at the table>

Marge: So Charles, would you like Coffee, or I suppose being English you would love Tea.

Charles: <Laughing> Coffee will do, No offense intended but the Tea over here is not very good compared to back home.

Marge: Coffee it is then
Marge: <Calls out to other members of family> Homer, Bart, Lisa, will you come down here, we have a guest.
Marge: Charles I hope you like my family, they can be a bit, well, hard to handle at times, but you know kids <laughs>

Charles: Heh heh, that’s why I love kids myself. I remember when I was one; I suppose you can say I still am <laughs>

<Homer walks into room and walks over to Marge making the coffee at the counter>

Homer: <Whispers to Marge> what you invite him over for, are you trying to rub my nose in it too? And besides, I cannot afford a new TV for him.

Marge: <Whispers Back> Homer, now you give this man a chance, you have not even spoken to him yet, or you would of realized that he is claiming for the TV off Apu. And he’s kind of thankful for the vase that got broken too. Now sit down and speak to the guy. I Mean it.

Homer: <Whispers> Ok Marge

<Homer Sits down and at that moment Bart and Lisa walk into the room followed by Maggie>

Marge: Hey, Bart, Lisa, This is Mr Stevens, he has moved in to the house across the street.

Lisa: Hello Mr Stevens, very pleased to meet you, I’m Lisa. Haven’t I seen you before around here somewhere, you seem awful familiar. 

Charles: I don’t think so, I only moved into town yesterday, I been staying at the Best Western in Capitol City for the last 3 weeks before I came here.

Lisa: Strange, seems like I already met you.

Marge: Bart why don’t you introduce yourself?

Bart: Hey man

Homer: BART!

Bart: <in an unenthusiastic voice> Hello Mr Stevens, I am Bartman.

Charles: Hi Lisa and Bartman, please call me Charles. Mr Stevens is so formal. I think children should speak and be spoken to with adults as equals, it teaches social skills I think, I hate formality of any kind. That’s for the royal family

Marge: BART! 
Marge: Sorry Charles, his name is Bart NOT Bartman <glares at Bart>, and our little treasure there is Maggie <Points to Maggie>

<Maggie walks, stumbles then carries on walking over to Charles, Maggie looks up to Charles and takes out her pacifier and offers it to Charles>

Charles: Aww no thank you Maggie, I have one of my own. <Pulls a pacifier out of his top pocket, Maggie smiles and puts her Pacifier back in>

Lisa: Heh, looks like you made a friend here in Springfield already.

Bart: Hey man, why are you carrying a Pacifier, isn’t that a bit weird?

Homer: BARRRRRRRT!

Charles: Heh heh, no that’s ok, I suppose it may look a bit strange. You see it was the last thing I have left from my mother, sadly she left me when I was about 5 or 6, she had to leave me very quickly. I never did find out why. All she did is left a letter in a trust fund I got on my 21st birthday. I do not know who my father is, but it was suggested by someone who vaguely knew her, she had a couple of boyfriends over in England. I lived with adoptive parents.

Marge: <Hands Charles a coffee> That is so sad, similar thing happened to my Homie here when he was a child, didn’t it Homie.

Homer: Oh yes, spread my personal secrets out to the world why don’t you

Marge: <Annoyed> I was only saying….

Charles: I am sorry I brought up this subject, it’s obviously is painful for you Homer, I apologise for bringing it up, maybe I should go.

Marge: No, stay, I don’t think Homer has had his fill of morning Donuts yet so he’s cranky <Marge deliberately knocks Homer over the head with the coffee pot>

Charles: Donut man huh? funny you should say that. I do website design for a living and I have just got the contract for the Lard Lad website, good thing is I LOVE donuts and they send me freebies every week, it’s a shame My next batch hadn’t arrived I would of brought them over.

Homer: Mmmmmmm Donuts…..

I also got the contract for Duff Beer, the Local Hot dog man and The Kwik-E-Mart, I offered them a discount if they would do my removals. Say Homer, you interested in a case of beer or too

Homer: Wooohooo! <Goes into a daydream>

<Homer’s Daydream>: Donuts, Beer , Hot Dogs, Kiwk-E-Marts….. maybe this guy isn’t that bad after all. 

Charles: Oh I forgot to mention I'm also going to be doing Barney’s Bowl-a-rama too, free tickets for me and my friends for my favorite pastime:

<Homer’s Daydream> SOLD! 

Homer: So Kyle…

Charles: It’s Charles

Homer: Sorry Carl, there are lots of Pubs in England, have you been to any of the bars here yet? 

Charles: Not yet, need to get my footing round the area not loose it <laughs>

Homer: Well Colin, Tonight you and me will go to the classy-est bar in town, where all the action is!

Marge: You mean Moe’s?

Homer: Marge there is nothing wrong with Moe’s, even Aerosmith Played there remember

Charles: Sounds awesome!

Marge: Mumbles

Lisa: So Mr Stevens, what brings you to our fair town? Why not live in Capitol City?

Charles: Well Lisa for one, Please call me Charles

Lisa: Sorry Charles, <laughs> Its just that I have been given more manners than my brother here.

Bart: Eat My Shorts, Buttface.

Homer: <Strangles Bart> Why you little……

Marge: HOMER!
Marge: See what I said about our family, especially Homer!

Charles: Just how a family should be, I wish I had one like yours when I was younger, well anyway Lisa, where was I, ahh yes, I didn’t like all the noise and bustle around the big city, I much prefer some quiet area where I can play my music while relaxing out in the garden, nothing like spinning a bit of Jazz while sitting in the shade, the sax parts make it all worthwhile, shame I do not know any musicians myself. 

Lisa: Well funny you should mention that, I play sax!

<Lisa’s Thoughts>: Wow someone finally who could appreciate my music

Homer: Lisa, stop boring the poor man

Lisa: DAD!

Charles: Its more than OK Homer, Sax is my favorite instrument; I would be honored to hear you play sometime Lisa.

Lisa: I can gram my sax now, I could play……

Marge: Not now honey, maybe later.

Lisa: But mom…

Charles:  maybe its best, will have more time to hear how good you are, anyway another job I do is sound recording and webcasting, when I get my new studio installed you are welcome, if it’s ok with Marge and Homer here, to pop over anytime and play in the recording studio, I may even have a band I know who may want to even jam with you.

Lisa: Oh thank you Mr Steve….Charles, sorry.

Charles: Anyway, back to why I am here. The second reason I am here, is that I am trying to track down my family. My mother used to live here in Springfield many years back and I have heard from sources that she had a Son who had a family here, with 2 kids. I wish I knew their names. All I know is that we probably would share the same Surname. You do not know a “Stevens” family do you by any chance.

Marge: Sorry no, we don’t, do we Homie?

Homer: No can’t say I have

<Lisa looks thoughtful for a second then shrugs her shoulders>

Marge: Lisa, Do you know a family.
Lisa: Oh no, it was nothing, just thought about something else.

Charles: Well so far I have had no luck, so hopefully a search of the Springfield records office may be more fruitful.

<Cut to Bart looking bored>

Bart: Can I go now?

Marge: BART, now while we have guests. 

Bart: <Mutters under breath>

Charles: Sorry Bart, I didn’t mean to ignore you there, so what are you interested in then?

Bart: <Unenthusiastically> I dunno, stuff

Charles: You into video games? My company also is into online gaming and video game promotion, I get all the latest games to test and play, I have all the new ones, including Revenge of the Iron Monkey and the up and coming Itchy and Scratchy: Territories of Enemies multiplayer.

Bart: <All of a sudden looking VERY enthusiastic> Aye Curumba! Itchy and Scratchy, that’s not even out yet.

Charles: well as I do a game review site, maybe I could use your skills to help me review some of the games. Another angle for the reviews is always helpful

Bart: I sure will, thanks man!

Charles: You like skate boards?

Bart: Sure do Charlsey Boy

Charles: Well good, my good friend owns the local skate park, I’m sure I could wangle you a few tickets here and there for you and your friends.

Bart: Awesome, Wait till I tell Milhouse

<Bart jumps out of his seat and runs into the other room to phone Milhouse>

Marge: Well I guess you have made quite a few friends this morning.

Charles: Yes, you seem like my ideal neighbors, I like neighbors with a bit of action, not boring farts that do nothing
Homer: <Whispers to himself> wait till he meets the Flanderers’

Charles: What was that Homer?

Homer: Oh nothing. Heh heh.

Lisa: So Charles, what was your mother’s name, I am in with the crowd at the local Library, maybe I could ask someone to help?

Charles: Her Name was Martha Stevens. She too had to leave Springfield in a Hurry, that’s all I known After that she was with a traveling gang for awhile, before she came to England and got together with my Father, and then I was born.

Lisa: <Looking thoughtful> That name seems somehow familiar, Sure I have seen It around somewhere, I cannot remember where. I shall ask around, would be glad to help you Mr Stevens.

Charles: Lisa…..

Lisa: Sorry, Habit heh heh. <Looks Sheepish>

Charles, Well anyway, Marge, Homer, thanks for the coffee, great to have met you all. I must go over to the house and see what the removals guys have done to the rest of my furniture.

Marge: Sure thing, nice to have had you over, we must do it again some time

Charles: I insist, but next time I will be the host, I will get donuts!

Homer: And I will be your best of friends. Let me see you out.

Charles: Bye Marge, Bye Lisa, Bye Maggie

Marge & Lisa: Bye Charles <Maggie holds out pacifier, smiles and waves>

Charles: <Calls through to sitting room as he walks through the hall with Homer> Bye Bart

Bart: Seeya Charles

<Charles and Homer walk out front door and up the path to the front of the lawn>

Charles: You know Homer, How lucky you are to have such a nice family; I am so envious of you.

Homer: Envious of me?

Charles: Yes, you, you know I was worried you didn’t like me when we first met, I am glad we have hit it off so well.

Homer: Heh heh, of course I would like you, like Marge said it was my lack of donuty goodness.

Charles: Yeah I can see how lack of donuts does that too a man.

<Just at that moment they are both interrupted by Ned Flanders calling over the fence, Lisa walks out of front door and stands leaning against wall>

Ned: Hi-diddly-ho neighborinos

Charles, Oh god it’s that Ned Flanders, I met him last night when I came to bring some small bits to the house, he tried to administer me into the church.

Homer: Ahh so you have met him, sorry about my backwards neighbor, he is a jerk

Ned: Hey Charles, Homer, you would you like to come over and join my gaming night, I have a few of the boys over for a game of Bible Charades

Charles and Homer in unison:  Shut up Flanders!

<Lisa still by door, frowns>

Ned: Okily Dokily, if you change you mind you know where I am. 

<Charles and Homer start to walk off the lawn and both trip over the garden hose

Charles and Homer in unison: D’Oh!!!

Lisa: <Looking thoughtful>Hmmmm…….. <thinks to herself>… nah can’t be. 

<Lisa Shrugs and goes back inside>

<Charles and Homer get up and dust themselves off, both laughing>

Charles: well Homer, time to kick these removal men into touch

Homer: Don’t kick Apu too hard, he also runs the Kwik-E-Mart remember, He might put the prices up more heh heh.

Charles: Didn’t think of that.
Homer: You fancy that beer at Moe’s tonight, say 8PM

Charles wouldn’t miss it, see you later Homer

Homer: Bye Casper.

----- END OF ACT ONE -----

=======================================================

Act 2: Moe-ving in!

<Scene starts with Homer and Charles outside Moe’s Tavern, Charles is looking at the building puzzled>

Charles: You say Aerosmith played here?

Homer: The one and only

Charles: How the hell did they get Aerosmith?

Homer: It’s a flaming long story I should say, but more of that later, beeeeeer waits thee!

<Homer and Charles walk in to Moe’s, Moe, as always is behind the counter, Barney, Carl and Lenny are on bar stools. A couple of bar flies are downing their sorrows at the end of the bar.

Moe: Hey Homer, Who’s the friend?

Homer: This has gotta be one of the best guys on the planet, he also hates Flanders… heee hee. This is Charlton, my new best friend.

Charles: Well Charles actually, but close <Grins at Homer>

Barney: Hey Homer… I thought I was your best <hic> friend

Homer: You are, you are the best friend of the other side of my body.

Barney: A’ight Homer, rock on! 

<Charles and homer sit on the free bar stools>

Moe: What’ll it be?

Homer: 2 duffs and make them special reserve.

Moe: Wow Homer you sure you can afford these, Carl and Lenny say you not turned up for work in a week.

Homer: <Trying to sound intelligent> I have been doing in site research on the effects of….. er….. radio-ation on the fibers of everyday family items, er for example a couch. It just so happens I have 2 of these at home, so what better place to conduct my research into the effects of couch related issues.

Carl: So what you find Homer?

<Waylon Smithers emerges from the Men’s toilets with Mr Burns and walks up behind Homer with him unaware.

Homer: <Trying to sound intelligent> Well I found nothing too conclusive but the effects I have found are inconclusive and requite a lot more research, It may take a couple of weeks to find out what the cause of my knees becoming weak and me collapsing onto the said couch when I get near. So much to research, But I’m sure that Mr Burns wouldn’t understand in that small mind the scientficial data that I have gathered. Either that or he won’t even guess I have skipped work… Stupid Burnsey… heh heh.

Charles: Smooth, Real smooth Homer.

Mr. Burns: SIMPSON!

Homer: <Screams and cowers on stool> M….m…m….Mr Burns what are you doing here?

Mr Burns: I just popped in for a spot of light refreshment, I did not realize what a dank pit of depravity this place was, and I just had to get Smithers to administer the smelling salts. Oh by the way Simpson, You’re FIRED!

Smothers: Heh heh, good one Mr Burns

Mr Burns: I bid good night to you filth.

<Mr Burns and Smithers Leave>

Homer: awwwwww , fired, again….. Marge is going to kill me….maybe Mr Burns will give me my job back if I go in there and grovel…..  Stupid Mr Burns

Mr. Burns: <From outside Moe’s> I  HEARD THAT SIMPSON

Homer: D’Oh

Carl: Not your night eh Homer?

Charles: Don’t Worry Homer, I’m sure I can help you sort this out. Look let me pay for this round ok. I have reason to celebrate too, Barkeep, Drinks all round.

Homer: Yeah…

Charles: So Homer, Introduce me to your friends.

Homer: Oh yeah, how silly of me, This here is Barney, he has been one of my bestest friends since my school days, he worships me like a god heh heh

Barney: Yeah, until you ruined my life with beer you bum!

Homer: Well I didn’t ASK you to become an alcoholic.

Charles: Pleased to meet you Barney

Barney: Pleeeeaaaased to meeeet you Charles <Lets out trademark belch>

Charles: Woah man! You call THAT a belch <Lets out an even bigger longer belch>

Barney: Allright!!! You da man!

Homer: This is Carl and Lenny, they work with me at the nuclear power plant.

Lenny: Worked Homer, Worked!

<Homer looks sad>

Carl:  We are pleased to meet you too Charles

Charles: Likewise, so tell me what’s Homer like here to work with?

Lenny: well apart from the naps, the donuts and the musky odor, he was ok. He once was employee of the month too!

Charles: No way?

Carl: Yeah he fluked that one! Hero indeed. 

Homer: It wasn’t my fault; I just did what I could see to do.

Charles: What did he do?

Carl: He averted a Nuclear Meltdown

Lenny: Yeah by eeny, meeny, miny, moe

Moe: Someone call?

Well no matter how He did it, he should still be a Hero, and eeny, meeny, miny, moe never fails me

<Just then Moe’s Phone rings>

Moe: Hello, Moe’s Tavern, Home of the world record beating washing machine race.

Bart: <On other end of phone> Hello there, I need a Mrs Stroke, First name Amanda

Moe: < To patrons of bar> Hey everyone, anyone seen Amanda Stroke, I need Amanda Stroke, A-MAN-DA  STROKE

<Everyone in bar laughs>

Moe:…. Hey wait a minute…..
Moe: <Covers mouth and shouts down receiver> Why you little freak, When I catch you I am going to shove you into a large sack, pound you with large rocks  throw you into a meat grinder and feed you to the sharks, you get that…..

<Bart on other end hear laughing through earpiece, then hangs up>

Charles: Maybe this place isn’t that bad after all, I thought It would be a complete dive

Barney: I thought it was….

Moe: Shut it smart ass.

Homer; Glad you like it here, I hope we can spend a lot of our lives in here.

Charles: Steady on Homer, I have my work to think of too

Homer: So do I heee heeeee, <thinks for a few seconds> D’OH!

<Homer starts crying>

Charles: Don’t worry Homer I am sure something will come up.

Homer: It never comes up, I am a complete failure, my wife knows it, my kids know it, even my dog knows it!

Charles: Don’t be so hard on yourself Homer, We all go though rough patches, I sure do!

Homer: Yes but this rough patch has been going for the last 10 years!

Charles: Ouch!

Homer: Yes Ouch! < Wipes his eyes>

Homer: What will I do, my family rely on me, I don’t want to have to let them down again. I always do. I may not show it but I do love them.

Charles: And they Love you, Love is a bond that is hard to break they will understand. 

Homer: No they won’t Marge said last time I messed up, that either I shape up or ship out. And the kids even agreed and started packing my clothes.

Charles: Well Homer, we will just have to sort something out then. But let’s not worry about that now, I fancy a game, how about popping down to the bowling alley and knocking down a few pins…. 

Homer: I dunno, I don’t feel good

Charles: This lot can come too you know

Carl: Not tonight, me and Lenny here have some plans. 

Barney: I’ll Come <Belches>

Charles: Come on Homer, you can even pretend that they are this Mr Burns fellow.

Homer: Woohoooo, I’m In!

Mr Burns: <Still outside> I heard that too pipsqueak.

Charles and Homer in unison: D’OH.

<Cuts to inside Barney’s Bowl-a-rama, where Homer, Charles and Barney are at the payment desk speaking to Al, Barney’s Uncle>

Charles: Hey Al, time alright to call in those free tickets

Al: Sure sure, How many you require

Charles: Three okay?

Al: Yeah sure, who is playing?

Charles: Me, Homer and Barney here.

Al: I’m sorry but I can give you and Homer tickets, but free promotional tickets cannot be used by family or associates of this establishment, Barney will need to pay

Barney: He’s <hic> my uncle

Charles: Yeah but if you think about it, I am an associate too, as I am working with your business.

Al: Your different, He’s lazy.

Charles: Ok He’s on me then. 2 Free and one full Adult ticket please?

Al: Who’s the adult ticket for?

Charles: Barney Here, Why?

Al: Oh it’s just that we usually only issue him with Child tickets and let him use the children’s lane unsupervised.

Charles, OK OK, but I’ll supervise.

Al: OK good enough for me

Barney: Awwwwww, but I like the children’s lane. 

Homer: Stop complaining Barney, let’s get a bowling.

Barney: Ok Homer. 

<As the guys begin to play camera cuts back to the Simpson’s house. Bart and Lisa have just finished getting ready for bed. Bart is in his room and Lisa is in her room. Maggie is in her Crib>
<Camera shows Lisa lying on her bed looking thoughtful>

<Lisa’s Thought:>There is something so very familiar about Mr Stevens. He remind me of someone I know I am sure

<Lisa Gets off the bed, leaves her room and walks over to Bart’s door, She knocks softly>

Lisa: <Whispers> Bart… Baaart! You awake.

<No response, Lisa knocks harder>

Lisa: <Whispers slightly louder>: BART!

<Lisa opens Door finds room is empty>

<Lisa’s Thoughts>: Where is Bart?

<Lisa walks across upper landing and notices Bart in Maggie’s room. Maggie is awake and Bart is dangling something in her crib which Maggie is playing with. Lisa walks into room and sits down on a stool near the crib, Maggie turns round and Smiles at Lisa then goes back to playing with Bart.>

Lisa: What you doing Bart?

Bart: Can’t Sleep, why what’s your problem?

Lisa: Oh nothing, Can’t sleep either. What’s the matter Bart you look upset?

Bart: As if you care.

Lisa: <Annoyed> Bart!

Bart: OK, so I’m going to fail my test at school, they won’t let me go in the field trip next week. 

Lisa: Well you have nobody to blame but yourself Bart, if you just…..<Gets cut off by Bart>

Bart: See I knew you didn’t care, leave me alone. <Tears start to well up I Bart’s eyes.>

<Maggie looks up at Bart, looks down at her Binky rabbit, looks back up at Bart then grabs the rabbit and holds it out to Bart>

Bart: Thanks Maggie, good to know someone cares.

<Lisa looks a bit shocked and walks over to Bart and puts her arm round him.>

Lisa: Bart, I’m sorry, I didn’t know, usually you do not mind failing, what’s changed?

Bart: This field trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Its to the SkatePro skateboard factory in capitol city, we get a tour. We all have to design a skateboard, each school submits their designs and the winner gets their design made into a real skateboard signed by the world freestyle champion himself. The winner also gets his family a visit to Hawaii.

Lisa: Bart, what have you done so far?

Bart: Er…. Just this..

<Bart hands Lisa a badly drawn skateboard>

Lisa: It’s…er… heh heh…. Got…. Promise…..

<Bart Snatches the drawing back off Lisa>

Bart: Oh yeah I forgot you are sooooo good and I am a failure. Thanks Lis. Forget it, I knew you wouldn’t understand.

<Bart starts crying more>

Lisa: Sorry Bart…. Tell you what, I need your help with something, I can help you with your design too.

Bart: What have a girl design my skateboard. Yeah I will be the laughing stock of Springfield.

Lisa: <Annoyed> Bart, I am only trying to help. 

Bart: Anyway what do you know about skateboards.

Lisa: Heh heh, I have my sources.

Bart: OK, Lis, I’ll let you help, what do you need help with, you know everything. Trouble with Colin?

Lisa: Bart!! No Colin is fine.

Bart: Then what?

Lisa: Well you know that Mr Stevens that just moved in across the road, there is something strange with him. I think we are the family he is looking for.

Bart: Hah, Yeah right Lis, He’s from England we are from the U-S-A.

Lisa: Did you listen to anything he said, His mother comes from Springfield. What if Grandma Mona on her travels went to England? I know from my studies a lot of hippies go there to the music festivals.

Bart: Yeah you should join them

Lisa: BART!!! Anyway Charles does some of the things Dad does, likes some of the things dad does and says some of the things dad does do. 

Bart: Earth to Lisa, lots of people act like Homer, even the great apes act like Homer.

Lisa: What does dad say when he does something stupid?

Bart: Marge, Help?

Lisa: Noooo, the other thing!

Bart: D’Oh?

Lisa: Exactly!

Bart: So what does that mean?

Lisa: And what neighbor does Homer hate that Charles hates too?

Bart: Flanders… so what, everyone hates Flanders.

Lisa: To the point of both using “Stupid Flanders”

Bart: Flanders is stupid

Lisa: <Annoyed> Bart, you are not taking this seriously.

Bart: Lisa, I cannot see what you are saying, If he was Homer’s brother, wouldn’t he have the Simpson’s gene? Wouldn’t he be as dumb as Homer is?

Lisa: No as he is not related to Grandpa, the gene is carried on the Male line. So he wouldn’t have got it from Grandma.

Bart: Yeah but still.

Lisa: Also his mother Martha Stevens has the same initials as Grandma. M.S.

Bart: Yeah, that spells Mona Simpson, if he was Homer’s long lost brother, wouldn’t his name be Charles SIMPSON?

Lisa: She could have taken his father’s name?

Bart: Yeah according to him, she only had boyfriends. This is going nowhere.

Lisa: I know that’s why I need your help; you’re good at investigating things, see if you can dig up some dirt.

Bart: No way man, this bloke seems ok; I’m not going to risk being the first to play the new Itchy and Scratchy game for anything. 

Lisa: Bart, Please…. I said I would help you with your drawing.

Bart: I said NO WAY sis. I can do the drawing on my own.

Lisa: <Angrily> FINE! If you won’t believe me I shall find out for myself.

<Lisa storms out the room visibly upset> 

Bart: Well Maggie, I better find some inspiration for this drawing.

<Bart tucks Maggie back in and returns to his room. Bart goes over to his desk drawer and rummages for some items>

<Barts Thoughts>: There must be something in here to help me.

<Camera cut to Lisa walking sadly downstairs, as she reaches the bottom she hears what sounds like a key scratching at the door and muffled cursing>

Lisa: <To person outside door>: Dad?

Homer: Leeeeeesa, open the door for your poor dad, the lock keeps moving across the door. Arrrghhh Damn lock.

<Lisa opens the door and Homer falls straight though the doorway and lands flat on his face.>

Homer: Where am I?

Lisa: Dad, you been at Moe’s again haven’t you.

Homer: No I have not, I wash out with that Niesh Chrish from across the street, we were on Duff cola all night, honest.

Lisa: <Looking Unimpressed> You mean Charles

Homer: Yes he’ll do.

Lisa: Dad, This Duff Cola, did it taste of beer by any chance.

Homer: Funny you should shay that but….. 
<Homer gets interrupted by Marge walking into the hallway>

Marge: <Alarmed> Homie, What happened. And Lisa, what are you doing up.

Lisa: I couldn’t sleep mom, I think he’s got a cola high

Marge: Oh my, I knew the stuff they put in that cola was a bit suspect, but this… Help me get him up Lisa.

<Marge and Lisa heave and finally manage to get Homer onto his feet, where he sways from side to side with an insane grin on his face>

Marge: Wait a minute, I know that look. HOMER! You have been to Moe’s again haven’t you?

Homer: Awww Marge, I was only making our new neighbor welcome. 

Marge: I am ashamed of you Homer, what poor Charles must think.

Homer: Heee hee, I don’t think he thinks much right now….

<Homer points out open door across to street, camera pans over to Charles’ house where Charles is fast asleep snoring on the lawn. A stray dog sniffs around Charles. Just as dog sniffs Charles’ butt, he breaks wind and the dog runs off yelping down the street. Camera returns to Simpson’s hallway>

Marge: Oh my!  

<Camera cuts to kitchen, where Lisa and Homer are now sitting at the table. Marge hands Homer a cup of coffee and Lisa a cup of hot chocolate>

Lisa: Thanks mom.

Homer: Awww coffee, don’t we have any beer left.

Marge: <Annoyed> HOMER! You are not having anymore tonight, I remember last time. I couldn’t sleep in that bed for weeks. I am going to go and check on Maggie. Lisa you keep an aye on your father.

Lisa: OK mom.

<Homer looks longingly at fridge>

Lisa: Don’t even think of it dad

Homer: <Dejected> Awww

Lisa: Dad, have you noticed anything strange about Charles.
Homer: Heh heh, apart from his capacity to hold his beer, you would think he was related to me in some way.

Lisa: That’s what I mean Dad; he seems a lot like you in some ways. 

Homer: Sure does, I don’t think I have ever had a friend so much like me before.

Lisa: Well Dad, Observing some of his manners and the facts he gave us about our family. I think we are the family he is looking for.

Homer: Lisa Don’t be stupid, How could we possibly be the family, Your Grandpa hasn’t been to England since the war, and I think Charles is a bit younger than that.

Lisa: No Dad, I mean Grandma, she has been traveling for awhile 

Homer: Lisa, Your Grandma has only one child I think. I’m sure she said she had a child once, hmmmm.

Lisa: <Annoyed> That was you Dad

Homer: <Looks thoughtful> Oh yeah, hee hee.

Lisa: Well dad, when she was out of your life, who knows what she got up to.

Homer: <Slightly Annoyed> She didn’t have any other children Lisa, she would of told me.

Lisa: Well she through you away, didn’t she

Homer: <Extremely Angry> LISA, HOW DARE YOU, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

Lisa: Well she did, she may of done the same to Charles

Homer: LISA! STOP YOUR STUPID IDEAS RIGHT NOW! I’M FED UP OF YOUR KNOW IT ALL IDEAS.

Lisa: But Dad…..

HOMER: I SAID GO – TO – YOUR – ROOM!

<Lisa gets up and runs out of the room crying, she runs upstairs past Barts room, Bart see’s her run past crying, he carries on looking through his cupboards and draws. Lisa runs into her room and Slams the door. She lays on her bed face down crying.>

<Camera cuts back into Bart’s room, Bart suddenly stops searching>

<Bart’s Thoughts>: Hmm what’s this?

<Bart pulls an old wallet out of the bottom of the drawer. He opens it>

<Bart’s Thoughts>: Hmm some old fake IDs. I must of got these when I was playing with Milhouse.

<Bart flips through until photo catches his eye>

<Bart’s Thoughts>: Hey it’s Grandma’s old fake ID, heh heh, Mona Stewart, Margaret Simpson, Penelope Olsen, Muddy Mae Suggins, Martha Stevart, Mona Stevens…… Aye carumba

<Bart Runs Out of his room and runs into Lisa’s room flinging the door open as he does so.>

Bart: Lisa, LISA!

<Lisa Laying face down looks up in Bart’s direction>

Lisa: Go Away Bart

<Lisa Goes back to crying face down in Pillow>

Bart: <Looking embarrassed> Oh what the hell….

<Bart climbs on Lisa’s bed and shakes Lisa, Lisa sits up still crying>

Lisa: <Angrily> WHAT BART!

<Bart Puts his arms round Lisa and gives her a hug>

Bart: I’m, er…. Sorry Lisa

Lisa: <Looking Puzzled>: What was that for. 

Bart: For doubting you sis, and being so mean. I found something.

Lisa: What do you mean Bart

<Bart Hands Lisa a card from the wallet>

Lisa: What’s this, hey that’s Grandma’s Picture, where did you get it from Bart, you didn’t steal it from her did you?

Bart, No Lis, look at the name. 

Lisa: <Reading off Card>: UK Driving License, Sirname: Stevens, First Names: Martha Jane. 

Bart: I think you were right Lis, I think Charles is our uncle.

Lisa: It doesn’t matter now anyway, Dad doesn’t want to know.

<Just at that moment Homer Walks in to the room>

Homer: <In a sad voice> Lisa, Honey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to shout at you. 

Lisa: I guess mom sent you up then

Homer: Er… No…. Where is she anyway, I not seen her since she went to change Maggie

<Camera cuts to living room where Marge is dancing around looking high, surrounded by several empty cans of Duff Cola on the floor.>

Marge: Wheeeeeeeeeee, Wow, Lisa Was right

<Camera cuts back to Lisa’s room>

Homer: <Shrugs> Anyway Lisa, I feel bad, but you shouldn’t of said those things about your grandmother.

Lisa: I know Dad, I’m sorry too I won’t say anymore.

Bart: Hold on a second there Homeboy, Lisa was right

Homer: Bart, I’m warning you

Bart: No dad, Look. 

<Bart snatches the license from Lisa and hands it to Homer>

Bart: See

Homer: Hey this is your grandmother’s You didn’t steal it from her did you?

Bart: <Smacks his forehead with this hand> D’Oh… no dad, read it

Homer: <Mumbles some words and starts laughing> Heee heeee, She can ride a motorcycle and sidecar. 

Lisa: No dad READ the name.

Homer: Sir-nayme: S.t.e.v.e.n.s, First Naymes: M.a.r.t.h.a J.a.n.e. , Hey wait a minute. That isn’t her name

Bart: No dad, these are the fake ID’s of her’s she left here when she first visited us, you remember. 

Lisa: And what is Charles’s Mother’s name?

Homer: Who is Charles?

Lisa: <Annoyed> The person who you got drunk with tonight, you know our new neighbor.

Homer: Oh him, I don’t know, how would I know?

Lisa: He told us this morning, it’s the same name as is on that Driving License.

Homer: Yeah, but that can be anyone.

Bart: The license comes from the UK Homer…

Lisa: And Charles’ Mom also originally came from Springfield.

Bart: Mona J Simpson, Martha J Simpson…. M.J.S. same initials too.

<At that point Maggie comes into the room clutching something.>

Homer: <in a childish way> Hey Maggie, what are you doing here.

<Maggie Walks up to Homer, hands him the item which looks like an envelope, smiles with the pacifier in her mouth, salutes and then leaves the room>

Homer: What’s this?

<Lisa, grabs envelope and looks like it>

Lisa: It looks like an old card, it’s not post marked, <Reads Address>. Dad, look at this!

Homer: Charles J Stevens, 8 Chanctonbury Road, Horsham, West Sussex, England….. Where did Maggie get this, I put the stuff my mother left behind in the attic……

<Homer, Bart & Lisa hear the loft ladder retract and the hatch close, and the unmistakable sound of Maggie Sucking her pacifier returning to her room. All 3 look up to the ceiling and shake their heads.>

Bart: Maybe we should open it?

Lisa: No, it does not belong to us…. We should give it to Charles.

Homer: Lisa I feel so bad for shouting at you now, can you forgive your little old dad?

Lisa: I always do

<Homer and Lisa have a long Hug; Bart sits on bed looking rejected. Homer and Lisa extend their arms inviting him to join. Bart joins in on the group hug>

<Camera Pans out of the bedroom window to the outside looking down on the house.>

Homer: I love you Kids

Bart & Lisa Together: We love you too Dad.

----- END OF ACT TWO -----

=======================================================

Act 3: Oh Brother.

<Scene starts with The Simpson’s all in the kitchen having breakfast. Homer, Bart & Lisa are sitting round the table and Maggie is in her high chair. Marge is cooking waffles at the counter top>

<Marge walks over and puts some waffles on Homer’s plate.>

Marge: So Homie, you are saying that Charles is your long lost half brother, how can you be so sure?

Homer: We found some stuff of my Mothers

Lisa: Well Mom, we found her old Driving License. She used the same name as Charles’ Mom; The License was from the UK. 

Marge: Well that is a common name, Lisa

Homer: We also found this…

<Homer hands Marge the Envelope>

Marge: It looks like a Card, should we open it?

Lisa: No mom, it is addressed to Charles; we should return it to him.

Marge: Maybe you’re right dear, but are we 100% sure, we cannot go over there telling him this and get his hopes up.

Homer: That’s my Marge I was hoping you will go and have a word with him today.

Marge: No way am I doing it, if he’s your half brother you should be the one who breaks it to him. 
Homer: Awwww, but Marge, you know I scare off anything remotely like a brother. I am not good with words; you remember how I returned the dictionary to the book store because it was too difficult.

Marge: <Mumbles>

Lisa: <Annoyed> I’ll do it, sometimes I think I am the most grown up round here sometimes

Bart: Rock on sis!

<Camera cuts to Maggie who is frowning, camera then cuts back to Lisa>

<Lisa Grabs Envelope from Marge>

Marge: Are you sure we should do this, we hardly know him.

Homer: <whining> Marge, My waffles stuck to my shirt

<Camera Cuts to Homer trying to pull the waffle off his shirt, it comes free ripping the top pocket off, Homer looks all over the waffle and shrugs>

Homer: Still good <Eats waffle>

Marge: Oh HOMIE, that was a new shirt.

Lisa: See what I mean mom!

Marge: <Annoyed Mumble>

<Lisa leaves kitchen, walks up hall to front door. Camera cuts to Lisa on Charles’ porch, Lisa Nervously pauses and then knocks on the door, after a muffled rummaging of boxes, Charles opens the door.>

Charles: Hey, Lisa, Good to see you

Lisa: Hi, Mr Stevens

Charles: Say again?

Lisa: <Sheepishly> Oops sorry Charles.

Charles: That’s better, what can I do for you. 

Lisa: <Nervously> Well, I thought it would be a neighborly thing to do to see how you are settling in.

Charles: Only you here?

Lisa: Yeah, Mom’s busy with Maggie, Homer is …er …recovering from Last night, and Bart, well is being Bart.

Charles: Well suppose you better come in.

Lisa: Thanks

Charles: Well guess what, I had my recording studio delivered and installed and delivered yesterday afternoon, was earlier than I expected. Would you like to come and have a nose round?

Lisa: Oh great, I would love to.

<Camera cuts to Charles and Lisa standing in a converted bedroom, Mixing desks and equipment lines a wall  where a window looks through to sound booth. Various pictures of Charles with musicians line the walls.>

Lisa: Hey, look at all these pictures, is that you in them?

Charles: Yes, My online music business had meant I have worked with some small artists and some bigger ones too. Before I set this business up too I worked over in a recording studio in England. I met some quite famous people.

Lisa: Hey is this Michael Jackson?

Charles: Sure is, that’s when I was a cleaner back in the old days, oh how times have moved on heh heh.

Lisa: And who is this?

Charles: That is me and Weird Al Yankovic; he does all the parodies of the songs.

Lisa:  yeah I know him, he’s funny.

<Lisa looks round at the pictures, one really catches her eyes>

Lisa: <Excitedly>YOU MET BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY

Charles: Yes, one of my favorite artists, I was so sad when he passed away. It’s another reason I came to Springfield, he was an inspiration. Why, do you know of him?

Lisa: Do I? He was one of my inspirations and one of my best friends. It’s a shame you were not here when he died, I was the only one who turned up at his funeral.

Charles: You must be the Lisa who wrote The Moanin’ Lisa Blues?

Lisa: <Modestly> Well, with a bit of help from Bleeding Gums.

Charles: Well that means one thing. Wait here.

<Charles Leaves the room can be heard rummaging in a box, he returns with a Digital Camera and a Tripod.>

Lisa: What’s that for?

Charles: You’ll see

<Charles sets up the Camera on the tripod facing the mixing desk wall; he sets timer and leads Lisa over to a spot by the mixing desk. He kneels down on one knee and puts his arm round Lisa and poses for the camera>

Charles: Smile Lisa

<Camera flashes and takes picture, Charles takes card out of camera and inserts it into a printer on the other wall and presses button. A full size print comes out. He takes an empty frame out of another box by the printer and puts it into a frame. He then mounts it on wall next to the Bleeding Gums photo. He writes a label “Charles J Stevens with Lisa Simpson of Moaning’ Lisa Blues fame” and places it under picture>

Lisa: <excitedly> your middle name is J!

Charles: Sure is, Stands for James, Why so excited?

Lisa: <nervously> Oh no reason.

Charles: Anyway, I may have a treat for you, I have one of Bleeding Gums’ rare albums, and not many people have heard this. Sax On The Beach. It is signed by Bleeding Gums himself, even rarer that it is on CD too.

Lisa: I got the album too; sadly I got it after he passed away so it’s not signed.

Charles: Well I better test out the sound system in here, no better way than with Bleeding Gums. Fancy helping?

<Charles puts the CD into a large looking player and fiddles with some of the sliders on the desk.

Charles: Hey I have an Idea, you play the sax right? How about you go and grab it and you can be the first in the booth.

Lisa: <excitedly> Really?

Charles: Sure thing.

<Camera Cuts to Lisa in her room grabbing her sax, Bart walks into the room behind her>

Bart: Hey Lis, What you up to?

Lisa: Getting to know Charles.

Bart: You don’t wanna drive him away with that do you?

Lisa: <Annoyed> Shut it Bart, as a matter of fact He is letting me be the first in his recording studio.

Bart: Aye curumba, he has a recording studio; I’m not missing this one for the world. 

Lisa: BART, he only said I could

Bart: Who was the one who helped you out last night, huh?

Lisa: I suppose so

<Camera Cuts back to Lisa and Bart on Charles' front porch, Charles answers the door>

Charles: Ah Lisa, everything is ready, oh hi Bart

Bart: Hey man!

Lisa: I hope you don’t mind, but Bart wanted to see the studio too.

Charles: Not at all, come in.

<Camera cuts back to the studio, Bart is looking at the mixing desk in awe, and Lisa is in the booth with her sax with a pair of large headphones on.>

Bart: Holy cow man, this is awesome, Wait til I tell Milhouse.

Charles: Impressed huh, well how about you help me at the controls here. 

Bart: Ok what do I do?

Charles, you see that control there, that will Pan Lisa’s Sax from left to right, I want you to pan slightly to left and right, not too much every so often.

Bart: Okie dokey

<Charles and Bart put on headphones>

Charles: Lisa you ready?

Lisa: <Through Mic> Sure am.

Charles: OK Lisa, starting track 3, you are on.

<The Music starts playing and Lisa starts on the sax, Charles adjusts some sliders and knobs. Both Bart & Charles are tapping their foot to the music>

Bart: Wow man, these effects even make Lisa’s sax sound good. 

Charles: I am not using any effects, that’s just Lisa.

Bart: Go Lis!

Charles: What you never realized how good she was?

Bart: Nah, I never really listened.

<The track finishes and Lisa takes off headphones and comes through to the mixing room. Bart and Charles both are clapping and cheering>

Bart: Wow sis, I never realized.

Charles: That was fantastic. Right now time to record that onto a CD.

Lisa: You can do that?

Charles: Sure can. 

<Charles fiddles about with a computer and inserts a blank CD>

Bart: Er… could I have one of those too?

Charles: Sure thing. 

<Charles hands Bart a CD, then puts in another CD in>

Bart: Thanks man, this rocks, I’ll see you later, gotta go show this to Milhouse.

<Bart runs out of room, downstairs and out of the house.>

Lisa: Thanks, that was brilliant.

Charles: You were brilliant.

<Lisa goes all shy looking. Charles finishes the CD and hands it to Lisa>

Charles: Oh one more thing…..

<Charles takes out the Bleeding Gums CD, places it into the signed sleeve and gives it to Lisa>

Charles: This is for you too; we can swap the copy you have got for this one.

Lisa: Wow, this much be worth a lot of money

Charles: Well you deserve it, He was your friend, only fitting you should have a signed copy.

Lisa: <Hugs Charles> Thanks again Unc

Charles: Unc?

Lisa: <nervously> Heh heh, er…… yeah…. Um…… sorry it’s a nickname I give to people I like a lot

Charles: Heh heh, no worry, I used to do things like that when I was little. Well let’s go get a drink. Fancy a milkshake?

Lisa: Sure thing

<Camera Cuts to Charles’ Kitchen, which is modern stainless steel with a computer terminal in the kitchen in the corner. Lisa is sitting at the table while Charles is fiddling with the blender.>

Lisa: Nice Place you have here, you must really do well in your business?

Charles: It makes a living

<Charles pushes the start button on the blender, forgetting to put the lid on, The contents spray all down him, he lets out a short homer like scream. Lisa looks thoughtful again. Charles starts wiping himself down.>

Charles: Damn thing, I can be so stupid at times. Must get it from somewhere.

Lisa: So Charles, Do you mind talking about your past, I find it so interesting?

Charles: Sure thing

Lisa: Your mother, what was her name again? 

Charles: Martha Stevens
Lisa: That’s a nice name; did she have any middle names?

Charles: Yeah, she did, Jane.

Lisa: Wow… er.. I mean …. Was that a married name?

Charles: Not when she came to England, that was her name as far as I know. She was married here in Springfield; I think that’s where she got that name.

Lisa: Oh, So what’s it like living in Southern England?

Charles: Oh no I didn’t live in the south; I lived up North in Manchester.

Lisa <looking disappointed>: Oh sorry, I just thought……

Charles: Yeah was a good fun in Manchester. I however was brought up by my Adoptive parents in the South before we moved to Manchester; Don’t really remember much of it really.

Lisa: <Excited>: Oh where about in England, anywhere near Gatwick Airport, I just ask that as we flew in there once.

Charles, you flew very close to my hometown. Gatwick is in a town called Crawley; I lived down the road from there in a little village called Southwater.

Lisa: Lived anywhere else in England

Charles: No just those two places

Lisa: <Looking Disappointed again> Oh, Southwater must have been nice though.

Charles: Well not much there really, not for a kid.

Lisa: So you liking it in Springfield

Charles: Yeah, it’s a good town, some strange people here, but was exactly the same in Manchester; we even had a police chief that looks like the police chief here.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum?

Charles: Yeah think that’s the guy. Oh and that Apu looks just like the owner from the Kwik-E-Mart at the end of my old street. Must me some stereotypical thing that they hire the same people.

Lisa: You had Kwik-E-Marts in England

Charles: Only a few. 

Lisa: And Krusty Burger?

Charles: No we don’t have those, only McDonalds and Burger King

Lisa: Burger King?

Charles: Its only one of the biggest burger chains in the USA, then again, Funny enough I not seen McDonalds or Burger King in this state… strange

Lisa: There is a McDonalds in Shelbyville, none in Springfield though after the burger wars between them And Krusty Burger.

Charles: Nice, “burgers at dawn”

Lisa: <Giggles> Yeah something like that.

Charles: I must pop over to Shelbyville then, I do like a McDonalds now and again

Lisa: Be careful, they hate Springfield and its people.

Charles: I heard, that’s why I have this….

<Charles pulls out a magnetic “I Love Shelbyville” bumper sticker>

Lisa: <Giggles> Yeah you’ll need that, Well Charles thanks for the chat and the recording stuff. I better go and get lunch, Mom hates when we are back late for meals, especially on Saturday.

Charles: Well great to have you over, I’ll come and see you out.

<Charles sees Lisa to the front door; Lisa stands on the porch while Charles is inside door>

Lisa: Thanks Again Charles

Charles: I want to invite your whole family over, pop round tomorrow if possible, I’ll cook a ham. 

Lisa: I would love to but I am vegetarian.

Charles: Well I am also a bit of a cook; I know quite a few vegetarian dishes. Got a few good ones off Paul McCartney when I met him.

Lisa: Same here….

Charles: YOU met Paul McCartney?

Lisa: Yup he often visits Springfield, especially the Kwik-E-Mart.

Charles: Wow, may have to invite him over next time he’s in town.

Lisa: Anyway Bye Charles

Charles: Bye Lisa.
<Camera cuts to the Simpson’s Living room, Marge is sitting on the couch with Santa’s Little Helper, Lisa Walks in to the room and sits on the other end of the couch.>

Marge: So Lisa, how did it go?

Lisa:  I found out a few things about him, he comes from same area but not the same Town. So maybe he isn’t related. He also invited us over for dinner tomorrow.

Marge: Your grandmother may have got it wrong, may be able to dig deeper. And dinner sounds good; I think the turkey has turned a bit.

<Camera cuts to inside fridge where a plucked turkey with no head is dancing on a platter, camera cuts back to living room>

Lisa: Yeah, I hope he is, he is such a nice person, and he let me record my sax playing and gave me a signed copy of Sax on the Beach

Marge: <Annoyed Mumble> I don’t think that’s appropriate for a grown man to give a young girl such material.

Lisa: No Mom, Sax on the beach, Bleeding Gum’s Murphy’s album, it’s a rare copy too,

Marge: Oh… good for you dear.

Lisa: Where’s Dad? I want to tell him.

Marge: Oh he’s gone out dear, tell you what why don’t you phone Grandma, maybe ask her?

Lisa: Yeah good idea mum.

<Lisa walks over to phone and looks in the directory, Lisa Dials number listed. Number gives a “This number is not in service” error. Lisa looks visibly upset>

Lisa: Mom, looks like she has moved on again.

Marge: Well maybe try again later. Time for lunch

Lisa: Oh mom, can’t I just look up on the internet it will only take a…..

Marge: No Lisa, you will eat lunch first, and then we have to go and visit your grandfather.

<Camera Cuts to next afternoon, Lisa is in her room with Bart on her computer.>

Lisa: Arrrghh I can’t track Grandma Anywhere, looks like she is on the run again.

Bart: Our Grandmother, A fugitive 

Lisa: Yeah, mebbe Charles is best off not being a member of this family

Bart: We are not that bad

<Lisa gives Bart a disapproving glance>

Bart: Then again….

Lisa: Anyway, I wonder where this Southwater Place is, must be nice having lived in a little village:

Bart: Southwater?

Lisa: That’s the place Charles lived when he was younger.

Bart: Well bung it into a search engine Lis, sure to find it

<Lisa taps away at the keys and looks at the results>

Lisa: Hmm quite a few southwaters around the world, there’s even one in this state, didn’t even know that.

Bart: Keep scrolling Lis; wait there, Southwater, UK

<Lisa Clicks on result>

Lisa: <Reading Screen> Southwater is a small village based in West Sussex, UK

Bart: Well that’s not much information in that

<Lisa Types “Southwater, West Sussex” into search bar>

Lisa: Ahh here we go,

Bart: Click on that waykapedia link, that looks promising

Lisa: <Reading Screen> Southwater is a large village in West Sussex, England with a population of roughly 10,000. Much of the population of Southwater originated from the brick industry which thrived in the clay-pits until the 1980s. Following the closure of the brickworks, there was a project implemented to transform the area into a country park, which now stands as one of the major family attractions in the district.

Bart: Whoopdy doo, sounds fantastic.

Lisa: Bart! <Carries on reading> Southwater is generally seen as based in the nearby town of Horsham, although this is not technically correct. Addresses often refer to this as such, with some people omitting the name Southwater altogether and just using Horsham, West Sussex.

<Bart and Lisa look surprised>

Lisa: Bart you know what this means?

Bart: No
Lisa: <Annoyed> Bart! It means Charles was indeed from Horsham. Where’s that envelope, lets see what the map site says.

<Lisa grabs the envelope from desk and types the address into map search>

Bart: Bingo! Let’s see, zoom out a bit Lis…

Lisa: Look, Chanctonbury Road, it’s under the name of Southwater. 

Bart: I’ll be damned. 

<Bart & Lisa run out of room and downstairs holding envelope.>

Bart & Lisa: Mom, Mom

Marge: Hey Kids not now, get your coats on we are just about to go over to Charles’ 

Bart: But Mom…

Homer: You heard your mother, it’ll keep til later

Lisa: <looking annoyed> But, Charles IS Dad’s Brother

Homer: No he isn’t; I phoned your grandmother earlier I asked her if she thought of having anymore children after me, she said never, so that’s final. Charles is NOT my brother. End of story!

Lisa: But Dad, we…..

Homer: Lisa, I’m warning you!

Marge: Lisa! Stop we are late.

<Bart and Lisa both look upset.>

<Camera Cuts to Charles’ Porch with Homer, Marge holding Maggie, and Bart and Lisa looking upset, Charles opens the door and greets the family and shows them in to the living room where they sit down. Maggie takes out the pacifier and points at Charles and makes a sound which sounds like “Uncle”>

Bart & Lisa: Huh?

Charles: Wow, isn’t she cute, I do love baby talk

Homer: Heh heh sounds like she thinks you’re her uncle heh heh

Marge: Oh my

Charles: Well I suppose I could be an unofficial uncle. I’m going to fetch some drinks, I’ll be right back

Lisa: <Shouts after him> You may be more than that

Marge <Annoyed>: LISA!

Charles: <Barely audible from kitchen> I think you are too young for Pernod and Black Lisa

Bart: Don’t think he heard you Lis

Lisa: D’oh

Charles: <Pops his head round door>, Sorry I just got a message from my ex-wife on the computer, looks kind of important I’ll be right back, make yourself at home.

<Family hears Charles walk upstairs>

Marge: Lisa, I’m ashamed of you, your father said he wasn’t related, so I don’t want to hear another word, I mean it

Lisa: But I fou……

Homer: LISA!

Lisa: <Looks annoyed> OK OK. Fine!

<Family sits awkwardly for a couple of minutes until Charles walks back down stairs. He re-enters his living room>

Charles: Good news Guys, My ex managed to track down some of my mother’s friends, she emailed me over a picture, It should just be printing out in the corner there, maybe you will recognize the photo. <Charles points to the desk in the corner next to Homer with a computer on.

<Homer looks down at the printer, seeing the top half of the printout showing the hairstyle>

Homer: Hee hee her hair looks funny, in that hippy commune.

Marge: <Annoyed> Homer!

Charles: That’s quite alright Marge, I laughed myself…. Those funny hairstyles back then. Oh damn the network must be congested, the printer stopped. I left the computer upstairs sorting out the website stuff, oh well it should continue in a minute. So where was I, drinks, oh yeah.

<Charles Leaves room and fetches a drinks tray with different bottles from the Kitchen. He places it on the coffee table>

Charles: Help yourself to whatever you want

Bart: Oooh can I have a Beer?

Marge: No you can’t you will have fruit juice. 

Bart: Aww Mom

Homer: Mmmmmmmm Dufff Beeeeeeeeer

Charles: I prefer European beer myself, American usually too weak for me, but Duff is the best of the lot. 

Homer: Sure is.

<Charles takes a seat across the room>

Charles: So Homer, Working at the nuclear plant, I forgot to ask the other night what your job was

Homer: I am safety inspector; I get to push lots of little buttons

Bart: Yeah but he doesn’t know what they do

Homer: BART!

Charles: Heh heh, sounds fun. Marge How about you? 

Marge: I am just a boring housewife, cooking and cleaning.

Charles: Nothing boring about that, I love cooking; maybe we could share some recipes sometime. I do a nice line in cakes.

Marge: That would be very nice. You seem to have your hands in all the pies

Homer: Mmmmmmm Pieeeeeee

Charles: I do live a varied life. But after all the hard work a bit of cooking and cleaning calms me down, along with a bit of music.

Marge: Seems like we have a lot in common too. <Laughs>

Charles: I suppose it’s tiring bringing up 3 children?

Marge: 4 Children, Homer is as much a child as these three <laugh>

Homer: Hey, I am very grown up, I can…. Ohh look it’s a little bug… heee heee look at that little bug.

Charles: A kid at heart eh Homer?

Homer: Well, it passes the days

Charles: Sure does.
Charles: Lisa, why are you looking so glum, you did want to come over right?

Lisa: Yes, but I have a lot on my mind, I have being doing some research and have found out something really interesting.

Charles: Oh yeah, would love to hear about it.

<Lisa looks at Homer who is glaring at her>

Lisa: Er…. It……. It’s not very good, I would rather not.

Charles: Aww come on, I’m sure it is good, I’m sure we would all be interested

Lisa: I said no OK…..

Marge: Lisa!

Charles: It’s ok, sorry if I upset you Lisa.

<Lisa looks over to Homer who has a pleading look on his face>

Lisa: No I am sorry; it’s just something I promised not to tell. I love the person too much to break that promise.

<Lisa looks over to Homer and smiles>

Charles: Well, that’s very honorable Lisa. Well time to eat I think, you all ready for a good stuffing?

Bart: Bring it on man

Marge: Bart, behave

Charles: Gotta love his eagerness heh heh.

<Camera Cuts to the hallway later on in the evening where the Simpson’s are about to leave>

Marge: Thank you for the meal Charles, it was marvelous, I will certainly be swapping some recipes with you.

Charles: Will be good to sample some of your recipes too Marge:

<Homer Shakes hands with Charles>

Homer: Thanks Charles, and er….sorry about the Beer incident…. 

Charles: Don’t worry Homer, the carpet is from the old owner, I was looking at a new one anyway

Marge: <Annoyed> But Homie, you didn’t have to go to the lengths of sucking it out of the carpet, did you?

Charles: Heh heh, I quite understand, never separate a man and his beer!

Lisa: Er, dad, you still have a bit of carpet stuck in your teeth.

Homer: Oh… er… heh heh…..

Marge: <Annoyed Mumble>

Lisa: Just unfortunate that you shampooed the carpet this morning.

Bart: Yes but Lis, its not the only time we have seen him foaming at the mouth.

Homer: Why you little……

<Homer strangles Bart>

Marge: HOMER! Put him down, again Thank you for inviting us, I apologize for my family’s actions

Charles: Marge, I missed having a family, I just wish I could find my family and they would be as welcoming and fun as yours. It’s been a complete pleasure.

Lisa: Charles, I….. I…… Oh…. <Looks Sad>

Charles: Don’t Worry Lisa; I’m sure something will turn up. 

Homer: I am sure it will, in the meantime you have a second family down at Moe’s, anytime you feel like it heh heh.

Charles: You are a good neighbor Homer, I have moved into the perfect street, even If we have to put up with Ned Flanders!

Homer: Oh you learn to live with him. Heh heh, 

Marge: Well better get Maggie to bed, she is looking a bit tired here. Bye Bye Charles, 

Lisa: Yes Bye Charles, I hope you find your family real soon. It’s a shame about that printout, I’m sure it would of jogged our minds.

Charles: You know Lisa, I think I am close, I have a strange feeling, some more reading at the records office and I hope to find the link.

Lisa: I am sure you will be very surprised

Bart: Year I’m sure it will be a big shock, man

Charles: Yeah, I’m sure it will, anyway thank you for coming, good evening to you.

<Camera cuts back to the Simpson’s house shortly after. Homer is on the sofa watching TV with Bart, Marge & Lisa are in the Kitchen drying the dishes and Maggie is asleep upstairs. A knock on the door is heard>

Homer: <While scoffing potato chips> Marge……. MARGE, there is someone at the door.

Marge: OK, OK….. I’m going.

<Marge walks down hall followed by Lisa; Marge opens the door and finds Charles standing there>

Marge: Hi Charles, can’t get enough of us <laughs>

Charles: Something like that, I was just clearing up and I found a little something, that may belong to one of you>

<Charles holds up Maggie’s Pacifier>

Marge: Thank you for dropping that in, you want to come in, I have a few beers in the fridge, I’m sure Homie would like to join you,

Charles: Sure

<Homer walks from the living room into the hall and sees Charles>

Homer: Charles! Nice of you to pop by, brought any donuts, hee hee

Marge: Homer!

Charles: As a matter of fact, I have.

Homer: Wooohoooooooo!

Charles: You sure do like donuts!

Marge: <Annoyed Mumble> Why don’t you go on though to the lounge Charles, I will bring you through some beer. Homer, Can you stop drooling and show our guest into the lounge……. HOMER!

Homer: Mmmmmmmm Donuts and Beer <Drool loudly>

Charles: I am just looking at these pictures on the wall; Bart and Lisa sure were cute when they were younger.

Marge: Yeah, shame about the family pictures though, Can never get Bart to pose in them; he is always pulling stupid faces.

<Charles walks up to a picture on the wall> 

Charles, I am guessing this is your mother Marge, she sure looks a lot kike you.

Marge: Yes, that is my mother Jackie, and this picture shows my sisters Patty and Selma

Homer: <Grimmaces> Do you have to show him those two, enough to make any man run for the hills.

Marge: <Annoyed Grumble>

Charles: A nice family you have there, you must be…… 

<Charles glances to the side and notices the next picture on the wall>

Charles: er….. Oh my …..er this picture, may I ask who this is?

<Homer walks over to stand next to Charles>

Homer: That my friend, Is my very own dearest mother.

Charles: Can I guess, she left you when you were young Homer?

Homer: Yes, she had to leave to protect the family; she was a fujalative you see. Why do you ask?

Charles: A Fujalative? Oh you mean a fugitive, how can that be? Was her name Martha by any chance?

Homer: No, her name was Mona. She managed to blow up Mr Burns’ Germ lab in a protest, ever since she has been on the run.

Lisa: Mona J Simpson, M.J.S, just like your mother, Martha J Stevens, Charles.

Charles: I don’t understand, how can it be.. I ….. I  …..

<Charles Faints>

<Camera cuts to Charles lying on the sofa with Marge tapping his face>

Marge: Charles, Charles, are you OK?

<Charles starts to come round>

Homer: Charles, what’s the matter, are you OK.

Lisa: I think it is obvious, Charles has found his family?

Homer: What, when, where? Then why come round here, First thing I would do is go get drunk over a few beers, then go and visit them.

Lisa: No Dad he….

Charles: What… where an I… I had such a strange dream… oh hi Marge…. Wait what I am doing here?

Marge: You fainted in our hallway; we brought you through to our lounge.

Homer: Heh heh, must have been the shock of seeing Patty and Selma

Charles: Wait a minute…..

<Charles gets up and runs out to the hall, he walks up to the picture of Mona Simpson and a look of shock comes over his face. A tear starts to roll down his cheek, Homer, Marge, Bart and Lisa walk out to the hallway behind him>

Homer: What’s wrong Charles, you look like you have seen a ghost?

Charles: I have… a ghost of my past….

<Charles grabs a bit of folded paper from his pocket. And hands it to Homer>

Charles: It’s the printout of the picture that was sent to me, Homer, take a look.

<Homer unfolds the piece of paper, takes a look at the person on the paper>

Homer: Heh heh, where did you get a picture of my mother from? 

Charles: No Homer, you do not understand, THAT is a picture of my mother. Homer, we have the same Mother, Homer we are brothers, well half brothers.

Homer: We cannot be, I asked Mom earlier, she said she never had another child… It must be another person.

Lisa: That is what I have said all along Dad, Charles forgive me, I wanted to tell you but couldn’t. Dad, Charles is your brother.

Charles: You knew, how did you work it out.

Lisa: Well when I noticed you and Dad had some of the same mannerisms, it got me thinking. When I spoke to Bart he found one of Grandma’s fake driving licenses, one had the same name as your Mother.

Bart: Yes man, I found the ID again and was using it in games with Milhouse. I didn’t realize how important it would be.

Homer: Not to forget the letter Maggie found..

Charles: Letter?

Lisa: Oh yes, I think this is for you Charles:

<Lisa hands Charles the envelope>

Charles: What is this, how, oh my it’s got my old address on it? Where was this?

Lisa: Well it’s a long story, as Dad said; she was on the run from the FBI after blowing up Mr Burn’s Germ lab. Dad managed to fake his death somehow, when he was putting everything right, he met his Mother.

Homer: Heh heh, I was in a grave at the time. 

Lisa: Well, she came and stayed here, this is when Bert discovered her Fake ID, and whenever the police came by the house she would disappear. She had to leave Dad and Granddad and make a new life for herself. She joined a group of hippies and off they headed off.  She only returned when she read Dad had died in the newspaper.

Charles: That explains the hippie commune and why she came to the UK, but what about this letter?

Marge: Well someone managed to trace her to here; we got an anonymous tip off from someone that she had been found. She had to leave in a hurry and she left behind a suitcase of items. We put the suitcase in the attic and thought no more of it

Lisa: And Maggie somehow managed to find this letter in the attic.

Charles: Wow, Maggie found this; my you have an extremely clever family. This is too much I think I need to sit down

Marge: Come through to the lounge.

<Camera cuts to lounge. Marge. Lisa and Charles on the sofa, Bart is sitting on the floor and Homer in the other chair>

Charles: This is too much to take in, I suppose I should read this.

Marge: Well, we will give you some privacy if you like?

Charles: No, No, this may answer some questions for all of us.

<Charles slowly opens the envelope. He pulls out what looks like a birthday card.>

Charles: <Starts Crying> It… it’s a birthday card, 

<Charles holds up the card, which has a picture of a sport’s car and the words “Happy 7th birthday”.  Charles opens the card and out falls another envelope>

Charles: There is another envelope in there. <Reads Envelope> “To Charles, Do not open this letter, this must only be opened after your 18th birthday, please hand this to your parents for safe keeping.” <Reads inside card> To Charles, have a very Happy birthday, Love Mum.

<Just at that moment the unmistakable sound on Maggie sucking on her pacifier can be hear coming down the stairs. Maggie walks into the living room clutching a piece of paper. She walks over to Charles, while giving a big smile with the pacifier in her mouth hold out the piece of paper to Charles, who takes it. She then walks over to Marge and gestures to be picked up, which Marge does>

Charles: It’s a photo, it’s me and mum together, she kept it for all these years. I must have been about 4 or 5 there. 

Marge: So she remembered you, I wonder why she never sent the letter though.

Charles: Maybe there will be answers in here.

<Charles opens the envelope; he pulls out a letter written in neat handwriting.>

Charles: <Reads out loud>:

Dear Charles, This is your mother, I am writing this to let you know that I am always thinking of you. I hope you can forgive me, I know I can never forgive myself for leaving you. In this letter I hope I can explain why things turned out why they did.

Firstly, I must tell you. What I am about to tell you may come as a shock. I will totally understand if you cannot forgive me. I will not contact you again if that is your wish. 

My life has not been easy. I must explain why I came here and who I really am. My real identity is Mona Simpson; I am originally from Springfield, North Tacoma, USA. I have done some things I have regretted in my life, maybe that is not an excuse for leaving you. 

It all started in the 60’s when I joined an environmental protest group. We protested against a local germ warfare laboratory. We set up a sabotage mission to destroy the contents of the laboratory, we succeeded, something that I am indeed still proud of, but not the actions I then took.

Unfortunately during the operation, the owner of the laboratory, a one evil Montgomery Burns, was hurt. Being the person I am, I foolishly went back to help him. Unfortunately my offer of help was not enough. He still wanted to see me in prison, so I ran. He however he recognized my face.

At the time I was living with my Husband, Abe Simpson. We had a son, Homer, your brother. As I was now being hunted by Mr Burns and the FBI, on terrorism charges, I had to leave my family behind to protect them. 

I know it may come as a shock to find you have a brother. He is now 17 years old at the time of writing this. I have not even been able to return to visit him in person, although I sometimes at night look though the windows of the house. 

Anyway, after I left, I joined a hippy commune, we traveled all over the United States, and some close calls almost saw me captured a few times. I have had to change my name a few times to keep my identity secret. The hippy commune traveled over to the UK to attend the Glastonbury festivals, that’s when I found I was pregnant with you my son. I met a dashing man at the festival, so I decided to stay. Of course the relationship did not last. Unfortunately when you were only 5 years old. I got a tip off from one of the commune who also stayed, that the local police and FBI had been asking after me. 

After making some enemies in the community, I was sure one of them would spill the beans so to say and let them know where we were. As you were doing so well in school and you had so many friends, I could not take you with me. So I asked my good friends, Martin and Sheila, your parents now, to look after you. I could not let them take us back to the USA; I could not put you through the heartbreak of loosing me, your school and your friends too. It has left me heartbroken but I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

No matter what you think of me, I would like it very much for you one day to meet your brother, Homer. I have also sent a letter to Homer which I have put into a trust, to be released and sent to him on the date of your 18th birthday.

I could not tell you this when you first received this letter, as I did not want to upset you or affect you growing up, Thus the instruction not to open until you are 18. , I know you are very happy being with your current parents; yes I sometimes do drop by and watch through the windows of your house. I could not make contact as this was far too dangerous.

All there is left to say is I hope you do find happiness in your life, and hopefully one day I can meet you in person when and if this madness ever blows over.

Charles I will never forget you

Love you very much
Your Mother, Mona.

<Camera cuts to the whole family crying, Homer is loudly bawling his eyes out>

Charles: I cannot imagine what she went though, this must of tormented her for years.

Homer: Why didn’t she < sniff> tell me, why <sniff> lie to me.

Lisa: How can you tell someone that, it must be hard?

Charles: <Starts crying> I have missed her so much over these years; I thought she forgot about me.

Lisa: Well, I know how to make you feel better Charles.

Charles: How?

<Lisa throws her arms around Charles in a big hug>

Lisa: I love you uncle.

<Maggie crawls off Marge’s lap and walks over to Charles, where she hugs his leg. Bart gets up and joins the hug.

Bart: Welcome to the Simpson’s family, man.

<Bart, Lisa and Maggie break the hug; they all look over to Homer who is still bawling in his chair.>
Marge: Homer… <she gestures over to Charles>

Homer: Oh right….

<Homer stands up and holds out his arms, Charles gets up and walks over to Homer, where they hug, Marge Puts her arms round them both. 

<While they are hugging, Camera pulls away, Music plays in the background [Believe in me” by “ATB”]camera continues out of living room window and above house where credits roll over music>

----- END OF ACT THREE -----
End of Episode

To be continued………

© Empethree – Carl Jackson @ EJN Media 2007. Reproduction is welcomed but credit to the author must be kept at all times.

Thanks to the following people for inspiration:

Peter Jackson – 1949 – 2007. My father.
Leon @ Lisa, The Simpson Chat
Marco@ Lisa, The Simpson Chat
All the forum members at Lisa, The Simpson, especially Serge & Marco, the Admins. – www.lisa-simpson.net

Disclaimer: The Simpson’s & related characters © Matt Groening & Fox Broadcasting Company. This piece of work is fan fiction only and is not in any way authorized or endorsed by Matt Groening, Fox or its affiliates. Any similarity to real people or events is purely coincidental.